IDK

 

I had always denied myself being spoilt despite what everyone says and thinks. I don't "affix" myself to my parents or other family members because it's how I've grown. I'm not close to any of them as people might expect of a family member (or better yet, the youngest child). Nope. I don't chat with my siblings, I don't chat with my parents, I don't hug them or anything. Conversation starts only when necessary, for instance, when I or they have a real question (not one with which to start empty conversation). However, that's my present. As a child, you can say that I was spoilt. I was a crybaby, I was always with my mum and I always demanded for things I wanted. I was also very close with one of my brothers. Come to think of it, I think the reason why I was close to only one brother is that he was with me throughout most of my childhood. My other 2 elder brothers weren't with us when we lived in the UK. So, I guess that's why I was close with him only. Anyway, back to being spoilt... I can't remember in which point of my life I had stopped being what I described earlier. Perhaps it was when I was teenage-ish, but even then I asked for stuff from my parents like the Gameboy Advance SP I asked when I was 15. I actually feel a bit guilty for asking for that when my dad was in Kuantan or somewhere and called me, asking what game I wanted it to come with. I remember the exact words he said and the exact intonation of his voice when he said them - "uih, mahalnya" - in his cheerful tone. Yup, the guilt strikes me even now. I actually think that I still am spoilt, but not too spoilt. I still get the things that I want as if I'm a parasite. My brothers aren't spoilt like me and never have been; they were never very dependent of my parents. I, on the other hand... Ugh. Take for example my pursuing my MA in the UK. Mum actually didn't want me to go, but I insisted and dad took extra effort to see to it that I do go. He personally went to meet the MARA director just so that I would get the MARA loan. He even wires me his own money each month because what I get from MARA is only the tuition fees. I actually am a spoilt child, no matter how much I deny it. The only thing that differentiates me from a spoilt brat is that I'm no longer a crybaby or mummy's little boy. I'm now starting to wonder if I'm a burden to them. I suddenly feel so guilty to be the needy child in the family. I am confident, though, that once I complete my studies, I will no longer be in my parents' hair because I won't have anymore wants and needs that I can't get myself. Then, I can repay my beautiful parents back for all they've done and all they've given me. My parents are my lifesavers, my lifelines, my everything on this earth. I can't believe I once thought of them as a nuisance during my angsty teenager phase. I love my parents to bits. I think I'll be the one most affected when they're gone. I wouldn't know what to do without them. I'm afraid that if they were no longer here, I'd drift away from my other family members. It's not impossible anyway that that would happen especially since we aren't so close. Am I just being paranoid or what?

Why am I writing this anyway?

Free writing makes me write non-stop. Just look at the flow of ideas. If I don't stop now, I might just connect other remote stories into this one, which was initially about being spoilt.