The Informer


Why is my heart broke?

Lana Del Rey - Million Dollar Man

I've been hurt. I am hurt. All lead to pain. Why has love never been in my favour? I don't know. Sometimes I find myself rejecting love and saying that it's of no good use, but then I feel a nasty kind of sorrow digging deep into my chest. A sorrow that is as vast but as empty as the universe. I imagine myself crying and grabbing every bit of sanity that is left. I feel the inside of my chest and try to find the source of my sorrow but what I find is a dark humour thick and as black as tar dripping from the cupping palms of my hand. Perhaps that's the love that festered within myself turned into the stuff of chagrin and lachrymose due to failure.

I'm writing this because the feeling crept up to me again today. It comes every now and then. The black bile oozed from the cracks in my chest. In time, it might completely mortify me.



Just noticed that I still call my brother "abang" while he still calls me "adik". Co tak razon tu manis sweet sweet aspartame ke? Lol.


My marks are now officially fucked up. Bye, distinction~



Remember school? Remember all the tests and exams we had to go through to get the measly piece of manila card printed with your grades we call a diploma (or in Malaysia, the SPM cert)? Exams, exams, exams. Tests, tests, tests. Exams were the reason I sucked at school. All the crap of having to memorise and cram your head with shit was unbearable for me. I wasn't too sucky back then, but neither was I outstanding. When I was exposed to Malaysian tertiary education, I was overjoyed because assessments weren't solely exams. You were given assignments, projects and other things to apply your knowledge instead of just (I hate to use this cliche word because it's so hackneyed in the context of discourse pertaining to assessments, and it reminds me of nasty hyenas gagging to feed their nasty spawn) REGURGITATING. The university I'm studying at is just like school. Basically all the courses, except 3, assesses its students solely via exams. That's the value of the uni's students - exams. Exams = 100% = students. There you go, a grotesque mathematical equation of sorts. I sucked at school because of exams, now I'm gonna suck at uni because of the same reason. I was a star student back in Malaysia because I could express myself in the essays I wrote assigned by the lecturers. I'm not saying that I'm not thankful to be in one of the world's top 5 universities, but is this really how a top university should value its students? No, I don't think so. We've gone this over and over again back in my baccalaureate; an exam-oriented assessment system should be abolished because it doesn't holistically do anything but shit. Speculations swirl around the exam-orientedness of the Malaysian education system spawning from the British education system. *Barfs*

Getting a distinction, i.e. 80% and above, is virtually impossible here. Idk, but I think that the uni is stingy to give 80% apparently because of its world ranking and status. To get an overall distinction for my MA, I need to get 70% for all courses including my dissertation. So far, here are my scores:

Foundations in Linguistics: 66%, _%, _% [2 essays, 1 presentation]
Semantics and Pragmatics: 63%, _%, _%, _% (BLERGH!) [2 exams, 2 essays]
Syntax: 66%, _% (WTF. I was expecting a whole lot better for this course) [2 exams]
Phonetics and Phonology: 76%, 74%, _% (I should be a phonetician instead of a syntactician) [2 exams, 1 transcription test]
Morphology: _%, _% [2 exams]
Dissertation: _%

So far, an overall distinction is still within reach if I do well enough.

It's cool that I don't have much work to do compared to Malaysian unis because I don't have many assignments, but it sucks having to study, study, study.




I had always denied myself being spoilt despite what everyone says and thinks. I don't "affix" myself to my parents or other family members because it's how I've grown. I'm not close to any of them as people might expect of a family member (or better yet, the youngest child). Nope. I don't chat with my siblings, I don't chat with my parents, I don't hug them or anything. Conversation starts only when necessary, for instance, when I or they have a real question (not one with which to start empty conversation). However, that's my present. As a child, you can say that I was spoilt. I was a crybaby, I was always with my mum and I always demanded for things I wanted. I was also very close with one of my brothers. Come to think of it, I think the reason why I was close to only one brother is that he was with me throughout most of my childhood. My other 2 elder brothers weren't with us when we lived in the UK. So, I guess that's why I was close with him only. Anyway, back to being spoilt... I can't remember in which point of my life I had stopped being what I described earlier. Perhaps it was when I was teenage-ish, but even then I asked for stuff from my parents like the Gameboy Advance SP I asked when I was 15. I actually feel a bit guilty for asking for that when my dad was in Kuantan or somewhere and called me, asking what game I wanted it to come with. I remember the exact words he said and the exact intonation of his voice when he said them - "uih, mahalnya" - in his cheerful tone. Yup, the guilt strikes me even now. I actually think that I still am spoilt, but not too spoilt. I still get the things that I want as if I'm a parasite. My brothers aren't spoilt like me and never have been; they were never very dependent of my parents. I, on the other hand... Ugh. Take for example my pursuing my MA in the UK. Mum actually didn't want me to go, but I insisted and dad took extra effort to see to it that I do go. He personally went to meet the MARA director just so that I would get the MARA loan. He even wires me his own money each month because what I get from MARA is only the tuition fees. I actually am a spoilt child, no matter how much I deny it. The only thing that differentiates me from a spoilt brat is that I'm no longer a crybaby or mummy's little boy. I'm now starting to wonder if I'm a burden to them. I suddenly feel so guilty to be the needy child in the family. I am confident, though, that once I complete my studies, I will no longer be in my parents' hair because I won't have anymore wants and needs that I can't get myself. Then, I can repay my beautiful parents back for all they've done and all they've given me. My parents are my lifesavers, my lifelines, my everything on this earth. I can't believe I once thought of them as a nuisance during my angsty teenager phase. I love my parents to bits. I think I'll be the one most affected when they're gone. I wouldn't know what to do without them. I'm afraid that if they were no longer here, I'd drift away from my other family members. It's not impossible anyway that that would happen especially since we aren't so close. Am I just being paranoid or what?

Why am I writing this anyway?

Free writing makes me write non-stop. Just look at the flow of ideas. If I don't stop now, I might just connect other remote stories into this one, which was initially about being spoilt.


Was there ever a time in your life when you simply wanted to give up? Perhaps what was going through your mind was that death was better than the shit you were going through. No, I'm not in that phase now... At least not anymore. That was a very long time ago. I was 15 when I first had suicidal thoughts. I don't remember what caused me to have them and I feel really stupid for having them then now. I mean, what on earth could a 15-year-old have gone through that could make him feel suicidal? An F in Add Math? Lol. Pathetic. The time I was serious about that shit, I gave my friend a letter about my committing suicide. He had never come to my house before, let alone meet me outside of school, but he came to see me later that day after school. I was really touched. Obviously, I chickened out from committing suicide. Maybe I was just seeking attention. Lol. Another time was when I was 16 or 17. This was some serious shit and wasn't just an attempt to seek attention because I never told anyone. I had some beef with a family member which caused a lot of tension and stress on my behalf. I won't go into the juicy details of the beef though. Again, I chickened out even though I already had a knife in hand and was already pointing it towards my wrist. *Suddenly feels like abandoning this post. Will write no more* End of post.

Maria Callas - Suicidio



It is only on sunny days like today that I find London a pleasant place in which to live.



There is something about snow that gives you a false sense of calmness. The dead of winter is despair. The slowly drifting snowflakes are the people who have lost and are aimlessly lingering, wandering without destination.

Sia - Straight for the Knife



As I sit in Chandler House struggling trying to make sense of Q-implicatures and pragmatics as a whole, I look out the glass panels of the solarium and stare at the melancholic winter sight. There is nothing here to admire but buildings of bare red brick walls, even if they are worthy of admiration, which is less than likely. No blue skies, no flocks of pretty birds, no vivid colourful blooms and no lush green leaves - just grey clouds, nasty sky rat pigeons, drab buds (if any) and lame dead brown compost-ish excuses for leaves. Snow, at least, would make winter seem nicer, but there is none of that in London - at least not much. I laugh at how people think highly of the British. They are no less than Malaysians. They litter everywhere, spit anywhere, let their dogs shit all over the place. I laugh. London isn't pretty. It's not Huddersfield, where I grew up, where there are meadows with beautiful wild flowers in summer and blankets of pure white snow in winter. Then I come to think of the villages in Malaysia: dirty, daft, disgusting. Ok, bye.