The Informer


Tak sospir dah pasal kau. Aku lagi sospir dengan karangan pragmatik macam tahi aku yang dihantar tadi. Pffft.


Francesco Cilea: Io Son L'umille Ancella (from Adriana Lecouvreur) sung by Maria Callas

I Miei Sospiri

That feeling came again tonight. The feeling as though there were someone gripping my heart and yanking it out of my chest. I don't know why it often visits me. It's like a ghost that haunts me every time I like someone. I don't even know what this feeling is. It makes me want to cry. If this is what love is, why is it so painful? I thought love was supposed to be something nice.

I don't think I really know what it is to love and be loved. I'm not a strong person when it comes to my own feelings. I never have been. Though I often reject the idea of being in a relationship because it seems to lead to nowhere, I find myself falling in love regardless. People find me objective, analytic and frigid in certain respects, but when it comes to love, my character changes altogether. Why does the heart have such control over the mind? I am a contradiction myself.


I'd rather not fall in love but it just happens.


Why is my heart broke?

Lana Del Rey - Million Dollar Man

I've been hurt. I am hurt. All lead to pain. Why has love never been in my favour? I don't know. Sometimes I find myself rejecting love and saying that it's of no good use, but then I feel a nasty kind of sorrow digging deep into my chest. A sorrow that is as vast but as empty as the universe. I imagine myself crying and grabbing every bit of sanity that is left. I feel the inside of my chest and try to find the source of my sorrow but what I find is a dark humour thick and as black as tar dripping from the cupping palms of my hand. Perhaps that's the love that festered within myself turned into the stuff of chagrin and lachrymose due to failure.

I'm writing this because the feeling crept up to me again today. It comes every now and then. The black bile oozed from the cracks in my chest. In time, it might completely mortify me.



Just noticed that I still call my brother "abang" while he still calls me "adik". Co tak razon tu manis sweet sweet aspartame ke? Lol.


My marks are now officially fucked up. Bye, distinction~



Remember school? Remember all the tests and exams we had to go through to get the measly piece of manila card printed with your grades we call a diploma (or in Malaysia, the SPM cert)? Exams, exams, exams. Tests, tests, tests. Exams were the reason I sucked at school. All the crap of having to memorise and cram your head with shit was unbearable for me. I wasn't too sucky back then, but neither was I outstanding. When I was exposed to Malaysian tertiary education, I was overjoyed because assessments weren't solely exams. You were given assignments, projects and other things to apply your knowledge instead of just (I hate to use this cliche word because it's so hackneyed in the context of discourse pertaining to assessments, and it reminds me of nasty hyenas gagging to feed their nasty spawn) REGURGITATING. The university I'm studying at is just like school. Basically all the courses, except 3, assesses its students solely via exams. That's the value of the uni's students - exams. Exams = 100% = students. There you go, a grotesque mathematical equation of sorts. I sucked at school because of exams, now I'm gonna suck at uni because of the same reason. I was a star student back in Malaysia because I could express myself in the essays I wrote assigned by the lecturers. I'm not saying that I'm not thankful to be in one of the world's top 5 universities, but is this really how a top university should value its students? No, I don't think so. We've gone this over and over again back in my baccalaureate; an exam-oriented assessment system should be abolished because it doesn't holistically do anything but shit. Speculations swirl around the exam-orientedness of the Malaysian education system spawning from the British education system. *Barfs*

Getting a distinction, i.e. 80% and above, is virtually impossible here. Idk, but I think that the uni is stingy to give 80% apparently because of its world ranking and status. To get an overall distinction for my MA, I need to get 70% for all courses including my dissertation. So far, here are my scores:

Foundations in Linguistics: 66%, _%, _% [2 essays, 1 presentation]
Semantics and Pragmatics: 63%, _%, _%, _% (BLERGH!) [2 exams, 2 essays]
Syntax: 66%, _% (WTF. I was expecting a whole lot better for this course) [2 exams]
Phonetics and Phonology: 76%, 74%, _% (I should be a phonetician instead of a syntactician) [2 exams, 1 transcription test]
Morphology: _%, _% [2 exams]
Dissertation: _%

So far, an overall distinction is still within reach if I do well enough.

It's cool that I don't have much work to do compared to Malaysian unis because I don't have many assignments, but it sucks having to study, study, study.