별

Do you remember that night we gazed at the stars? It was late and the sky was clear that night. I looked up; so did you. You asked why there were stars directly above us, and not in other directions. I paused for a moment and came up with a hypothesis: the stars above us were closer to us than the ones in other directions. There was a shorter distance and there were fewer interfering air particles that refract light between us and the stars directly above us. You thought it impressive; I was just being me. That night, I had thoughts rushing in my mind. That night, I wanted to kiss you, but I couldn't because I was too shy.
















That night, I fell for you.















What went wrong? You were a shooting star that was bound for some destination—a destination far away from me. That's why we drifted apart even though we started off as 2 stars colliding into each other. It's a cliché to say that we were star-crossed lovers, but that's what we seem to be.

How can I say that I regret meeting you?




You're proof that love can exist regardless of superfice. It's not about money, education, appearance, or status. You stand as testament to the fact that love transcends that which is visible. I know that for a fact.

However, feelings change. I have no power over that. Fate meant for our stars to collide, but it is also fate that has decided for us to part ways. Where will you go? Will we ever meet again? Can we ever... My doubts and regrets torture me in ways unimaginable. For now, let's just keep the story short and say that you're a shooting star that hasn't found its destination yet. By chance, I met you in the vast nothingness of the galaxy and was somehow pulled by your force. But you went by and I was left drifting in space. This is my last dedication to you, A. If, somehow, you are reading this, let it be known that I'm sorry for everything.

별 (Star) - Kim Ah Joong

The wind is shaking the windows, and over my small room.

The stars fill up the sky, shining brightly—too many to count.

The stars reassure the tired me.

They wipe away the many tears that are deep inside me.

"Don’t be hurt too much," they hug me tight
and pamper me,
and comfort me,

telling me to go to sleep

Though I’m exhausted to the point where I can’t walk,

though my tears blur my vision,

I’ll still smile in front of the love that I’m not able to get.

Even though our happy times were short, I’ll treasure them deep inside my heart,

like the countless number of stars, forever.

My dream is coming. Though it is unusual that my one star is bright,

it is very bright, blinding even, it comes down to my shoulder.

"Stop being so sad," it holds my hand as it touches me

and gives me a warm hug.

Only for today, I won’t cry. Though my eyes fill with tears,

I want to laugh like those stars.

Oh~ I want to cherish all my happy moments deep inside my heart,

like the countless number of stars, forever.

I'm Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

Ever since my baby went away, it's been the blackest day.

The Blackest Day - Lana Del Rey

To move on is to admit that you're gone.

Let me bear this pain just a bit longer so that I know that I'm alive.

I'm not ready to die yet.

 

Francesco Cilea: Io Son L'umille Ancella (from Adriana Lecouvreur) sung by Maria Callas

I Miei Sospiri

That feeling came again tonight. The feeling as though there were someone gripping my heart and yanking it out of my chest. I don't know why it often visits me. It's like a ghost that haunts me every time I like someone. I don't even know what this feeling is. It makes me want to cry. If this is what love is, why is it so painful? I thought love was supposed to be something nice.

I don't think I really know what it is to love and be loved. I'm not a strong person when it comes to my own feelings. I never have been. Though I often reject the idea of being in a relationship because it seems to lead to nowhere, I find myself falling in love regardless. People find me objective, analytic and frigid in certain respects, but when it comes to love, my character changes altogether. Why does the heart have such control over the mind? I am a contradiction myself.

Why is my heart broke?

Lana Del Rey - Million Dollar Man

I've been hurt. I am hurt. All lead to pain. Why has love never been in my favour? I don't know. Sometimes I find myself rejecting love and saying that it's of no good use, but then I feel a nasty kind of sorrow digging deep into my chest. A sorrow that is as vast but as empty as the universe. I imagine myself crying and grabbing every bit of sanity that is left. I feel the inside of my chest and try to find the source of my sorrow but what I find is a dark humour thick and as black as tar dripping from the cupping palms of my hand. Perhaps that's the love that festered within myself turned into the stuff of chagrin and lachrymose due to failure.

I'm writing this because the feeling crept up to me again today. It comes every now and then. The black bile oozed from the cracks in my chest. In time, it might completely mortify me.

Assessments

Remember school? Remember all the tests and exams we had to go through to get the measly piece of manila card printed with your grades we call a diploma (or in Malaysia, the SPM cert)? Exams, exams, exams. Tests, tests, tests. Exams were the reason I sucked at school. All the crap of having to memorise and cram your head with shit was unbearable for me. I wasn't too sucky back then, but neither was I outstanding. When I was exposed to Malaysian tertiary education, I was overjoyed because assessments weren't solely exams. You were given assignments, projects and other things to apply your knowledge instead of just (I hate to use this cliche word because it's so hackneyed in the context of discourse pertaining to assessments, and it reminds me of nasty hyenas gagging to feed their nasty spawn) REGURGITATING. The university I'm studying at is just like school. Basically all the courses, except 3, assesses its students solely via exams. That's the value of the uni's students - exams. Exams = 100% = students. There you go, a grotesque mathematical equation of sorts. I sucked at school because of exams, now I'm gonna suck at uni because of the same reason. I was a star student back in Malaysia because I could express myself in the essays I wrote assigned by the lecturers. I'm not saying that I'm not thankful to be in one of the world's top 5 universities, but is this really how a top university should value its students? No, I don't think so. We've gone this over and over again back in my baccalaureate; an exam-oriented assessment system should be abolished because it doesn't holistically do anything but shit. Speculations swirl around the exam-orientedness of the Malaysian education system spawning from the British education system. *Barfs*

Getting a distinction, i.e. 80% and above, is virtually impossible here. Idk, but I think that the uni is stingy to give 80% apparently because of its world ranking and status. To get an overall distinction for my MA, I need to get 70% for all courses including my dissertation. So far, here are my scores:

Foundations in Linguistics: 66%, _%, _% [2 essays, 1 presentation]
Semantics and Pragmatics: 63%, _%, _%, _% (BLERGH!) [2 exams, 2 essays]
Syntax: 66%, _% (WTF. I was expecting a whole lot better for this course) [2 exams]
Phonetics and Phonology: 76%, 74%, _% (I should be a phonetician instead of a syntactician) [2 exams, 1 transcription test]
Morphology: _%, _% [2 exams]
Dissertation: _%

So far, an overall distinction is still within reach if I do well enough.

It's cool that I don't have much work to do compared to Malaysian unis because I don't have many assignments, but it sucks having to study, study, study.

*CRIES*

気持ちをどんな努力伝えてみても,君は僕をほんの少しだけでも認めてくれない。どうせ僕は誰でもないし, 君に愛されることが出来るまい。

Why does it still hurt even after it has been such a long time since?