And of course I'll let you break my heart again.

I'm convinced that I return to this blog only when my heart is in turmoil. However, this time I am not in a state of animus but anguish, sorrow and severe emotional pain. My feelings are testament to how I truly loved you. Despite the misunderstandings between us, the shortcomings I had, the lack of action on both parts, I cannot dismiss the deep connection we had. Over time that connection might have faded and I regret not having fought harder to keep us going. As I am writing this post, my vision is blurred by the tears trickling down my cheeks. No matter how long time has elapsed and no matter what they say in love songs, I don't think I can ever fall out of love with you.

It has been more than a year since we parted. The 5 years we spent together can never be replaced and I cannot just erase half a decade's worth of memories with you, even if I wanted to, for that would leave an expansive gap in my memory. Although it pains me terribly, I don't want to forget. They say that you miss the memories, not the person, but I am convinced that it is YOU that I miss, it is YOU that I want, and it is YOU that I love more than anyone in this world. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. I see you in the sky when I look up, I see you in the words I read, I see you in my dreams when I am asleep.

Were we a case of the right person at the wrong time? Will we rediscover each other in the future and rekindle the flame that once burnt so brightly in the past? I have so many questions and even more regrets. I'm sorry for making you cry. I'm sorry I failed to pick up your cues for help. I'm sorry for my apathy. But just in case you're reading this, I've learnt my lesson. On the rare occasions that we do meet, I would always ask if you're happy because I feel guilty for not truly listening to your sighs when I should have when we were together. I took you for granted because of my arrogance. Never did it occur to me that you would leave because I was convinced that I was the greatest. I thought that I had you in the palm of my hand, bound by chains, but how gravely wrong I was.

It's a pity that I can't translate all of this into words that should come out of my mouth. I'm hopeless when it comes to expressing my feelings verbally, so I shall resort to the written word. I just hope that at least you felt the love I was trying to convey in whatever weird way I tried to.

Even now, I am still hopeful that we would reunite and find our happily ever after.

별

Do you remember that night we gazed at the stars? It was late and the sky was clear that night. I looked up; so did you. You asked why there were stars directly above us, and not in other directions. I paused for a moment and came up with a hypothesis: the stars above us were closer to us than the ones in other directions. There was a shorter distance and there were fewer interfering air particles that refract light between us and the stars directly above us. You thought it impressive; I was just being me. That night, I had thoughts rushing in my mind. That night, I wanted to kiss you, but I couldn't because I was too shy.
















That night, I fell for you.















What went wrong? You were a shooting star that was bound for some destination—a destination far away from me. That's why we drifted apart even though we started off as 2 stars colliding into each other. It's a cliché to say that we were star-crossed lovers, but that's what we seem to be.

How can I say that I regret meeting you?




You're proof that love can exist regardless of superfice. It's not about money, education, appearance, or status. You stand as testament to the fact that love transcends that which is visible. I know that for a fact.

However, feelings change. I have no power over that. Fate meant for our stars to collide, but it is also fate that has decided for us to part ways. Where will you go? Will we ever meet again? Can we ever... My doubts and regrets torture me in ways unimaginable. For now, let's just keep the story short and say that you're a shooting star that hasn't found its destination yet. By chance, I met you in the vast nothingness of the galaxy and was somehow pulled by your force. But you went by and I was left drifting in space. This is my last dedication to you, A. If, somehow, you are reading this, let it be known that I'm sorry for everything.

별 (Star) - Kim Ah Joong

The wind is shaking the windows, and over my small room.

The stars fill up the sky, shining brightly—too many to count.

The stars reassure the tired me.

They wipe away the many tears that are deep inside me.

"Don’t be hurt too much," they hug me tight
and pamper me,
and comfort me,

telling me to go to sleep

Though I’m exhausted to the point where I can’t walk,

though my tears blur my vision,

I’ll still smile in front of the love that I’m not able to get.

Even though our happy times were short, I’ll treasure them deep inside my heart,

like the countless number of stars, forever.

My dream is coming. Though it is unusual that my one star is bright,

it is very bright, blinding even, it comes down to my shoulder.

"Stop being so sad," it holds my hand as it touches me

and gives me a warm hug.

Only for today, I won’t cry. Though my eyes fill with tears,

I want to laugh like those stars.

Oh~ I want to cherish all my happy moments deep inside my heart,

like the countless number of stars, forever.

I'm Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

Ever since my baby went away, it's been the blackest day.

The Blackest Day - Lana Del Rey

To move on is to admit that you're gone.

Let me bear this pain just a bit longer so that I know that I'm alive.

I'm not ready to die yet.

 

Francesco Cilea: Io Son L'umille Ancella (from Adriana Lecouvreur) sung by Maria Callas

I Miei Sospiri

That feeling came again tonight. The feeling as though there were someone gripping my heart and yanking it out of my chest. I don't know why it often visits me. It's like a ghost that haunts me every time I like someone. I don't even know what this feeling is. It makes me want to cry. If this is what love is, why is it so painful? I thought love was supposed to be something nice.

I don't think I really know what it is to love and be loved. I'm not a strong person when it comes to my own feelings. I never have been. Though I often reject the idea of being in a relationship because it seems to lead to nowhere, I find myself falling in love regardless. People find me objective, analytic and frigid in certain respects, but when it comes to love, my character changes altogether. Why does the heart have such control over the mind? I am a contradiction myself.

Mr. Sandman

Why is my heart broke?

Lana Del Rey - Million Dollar Man

I've been hurt. I am hurt. All lead to pain. Why has love never been in my favour? I don't know. Sometimes I find myself rejecting love and saying that it's of no good use, but then I feel a nasty kind of sorrow digging deep into my chest. A sorrow that is as vast but as empty as the universe. I imagine myself crying and grabbing every bit of sanity that is left. I feel the inside of my chest and try to find the source of my sorrow but what I find is a dark humour thick and as black as tar dripping from the cupping palms of my hand. Perhaps that's the love that festered within myself turned into the stuff of chagrin and lachrymose due to failure.

I'm writing this because the feeling crept up to me again today. It comes every now and then. The black bile oozed from the cracks in my chest. In time, it might completely mortify me.

気持ちをどんな努力伝えてみても,君は僕をほんの少しだけでも認めてくれない。どうせ僕は誰でもないし, 君に愛されることが出来るまい。

Why does it still hurt even after it has been such a long time since?

If.

If only I had you in my arms,
the pain bearing deep in my heart would subside,
the pain of wanting you by my side,
the pain of longing for your affection,

If only you were near me,
I would die a happy man,
I would leap to the sky like never before,
I would serenade you with showers of love and joy,

If only I could see you smiling at me one more time,
All the evils of the world would perish,
All the bad memories would be forgotten,
All the wounds would heal,

Because you are here,
If only you were here.

By : Kei

FSDABFHLQWFasc

I need to reform.
I need a change of identity

~Danza Macabra~

Round and round they go,
Dancing in their torn gowns,
of silk and angora,
Dyed in shades of darkness,

The crescent moon serenades their damned ritual,
Being the ethereal light that stirs them from their eternal sleep,
The eerie lunar glow adds to the ghostly ambiance,

Round and round they go,
the emperor sounds a fetching rondo,
Full of animus,
In his exquisitely drab ensemble,

The soiree intensifies,

Round and round they go,
The Marquis twirls a grotesque dance,
In allegretto,
Vivaciously strutting his daft steps,

Danza Macabra,

Round and round they go,
A lustful couple delivers a morbidly passionate kiss,
Amongst the phalanx of other deathly creatures,
Bound to servitude by stigmata,

Dies Irae,

Though they may be creatures of nocturne,
All from the realm of darkness hallow them,
Though they have sworn fealty to a black allegiance,
All from the plains of hell consecrate them,

The flame ensues,

Craven, craven!
They shiver in the presence of the holy,
They genuflect in the presence of the sacred,
They prostrate in the presence of the righteous,

Requiem, requiem!
Down to the abyssal depths you go!
In shackles do they sweep across the stage,
Hist! There shall be no more of this unholiness,
Back to the rotting earth, Back to the dusty grave, Back to the forsaken pits of hell!

By: Kei