And of course I'll let you break my heart again.

I'm convinced that I return to this blog only when my heart is in turmoil. However, this time I am not in a state of animus but anguish, sorrow and severe emotional pain. My feelings are testament to how I truly loved you. Despite the misunderstandings between us, the shortcomings I had, the lack of action on both parts, I cannot dismiss the deep connection we had. Over time that connection might have faded and I regret not having fought harder to keep us going. As I am writing this post, my vision is blurred by the tears trickling down my cheeks. No matter how long time has elapsed and no matter what they say in love songs, I don't think I can ever fall out of love with you.

It has been more than a year since we parted. The 5 years we spent together can never be replaced and I cannot just erase half a decade's worth of memories with you, even if I wanted to, for that would leave an expansive gap in my memory. Although it pains me terribly, I don't want to forget. They say that you miss the memories, not the person, but I am convinced that it is YOU that I miss, it is YOU that I want, and it is YOU that I love more than anyone in this world. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. I see you in the sky when I look up, I see you in the words I read, I see you in my dreams when I am asleep.

Were we a case of the right person at the wrong time? Will we rediscover each other in the future and rekindle the flame that once burnt so brightly in the past? I have so many questions and even more regrets. I'm sorry for making you cry. I'm sorry I failed to pick up your cues for help. I'm sorry for my apathy. But just in case you're reading this, I've learnt my lesson. On the rare occasions that we do meet, I would always ask if you're happy because I feel guilty for not truly listening to your sighs when I should have when we were together. I took you for granted because of my arrogance. Never did it occur to me that you would leave because I was convinced that I was the greatest. I thought that I had you in the palm of my hand, bound by chains, but how gravely wrong I was.

It's a pity that I can't translate all of this into words that should come out of my mouth. I'm hopeless when it comes to expressing my feelings verbally, so I shall resort to the written word. I just hope that at least you felt the love I was trying to convey in whatever weird way I tried to.

Even now, I am still hopeful that we would reunite and find our happily ever after.

Parlez-Moi de Lui

Tonight I noticed that feeling conjure itself up again. It's like I'm surrounded by people, but I'm invisible. It's been 3 months since I've had any substantial social interaction. It takes a toll on even the most introverted of persons.

Anyway, I took this pretty picture whilst I was talking a walk last week. I turned out walking 13 kilometres that day.

I've been listening to some music from the 60s like Etta James, Aretha Franklin, Francoise Hardy, etc. Listen to Parlez-Moi de Lui if you can.

Um...

Hi. I'm back in the UK.

I'm now convinced that I update my blog only when I'm insanely bored. I'm supposed to be reading up on Prince, Vallduvi and a whole lot of people who write about information structure, but NOPE. Anyway, since I'm in constant boredom whenever I'm living abroad (because I stay cooped up in my room), I expect to be updating my blog more frequently.

I had a dream. After the dream, you disappeared. It was just a dream.

We were both broken inside, but I was just a little bit more broken than you were. I thought that we could find solace in our brokenness together, but you finally left me to mend my shattered pieces in solitude.

Double edge

I am animus. I am the hate that dwells in your chest, pricking your heart with needles soaked in poison. I am the blood that spills from the slitted throats of innocent children. I am the red tide that brings death and destruction to the living. I am the din that gives birth to the demons that haunt your mind and taunt your soul.

I am also sorrow. I am the depression that grips your emotions with claws of rusted steel, peeling your sanity bit by bit. I am the dark humour that fills the night and that blinds your eyes. I am the shroud of fog that confuses you and renders your senses useless. I am the silence of the dead that drives you to the brink of losing your mind.

I am the bliss that fills your breast with joy and happiness. I am the wild flowers of May whose scent dances in the meadows and lingers on your shoulder. I am the holy light in which you bathe and cleanse your body, mind and soul. I am the lord who descends from the heavens and saves the earth. I am the heaven that you seek. I am salvation. I am purity. I am hope. I am love.

Just one more month and we'll see whether things between us will go back to normal or die in their tracks. I'm getting fidgety kinda like Scarlatti's K. 366.

Domenico Scarlatti - Keyboard Sonata in F Major (K. 366)

별

Do you remember that night we gazed at the stars? It was late and the sky was clear that night. I looked up; so did you. You asked why there were stars directly above us, and not in other directions. I paused for a moment and came up with a hypothesis: the stars above us were closer to us than the ones in other directions. There was a shorter distance and there were fewer interfering air particles that refract light between us and the stars directly above us. You thought it impressive; I was just being me. That night, I had thoughts rushing in my mind. That night, I wanted to kiss you, but I couldn't because I was too shy.
















That night, I fell for you.















What went wrong? You were a shooting star that was bound for some destination—a destination far away from me. That's why we drifted apart even though we started off as 2 stars colliding into each other. It's a cliché to say that we were star-crossed lovers, but that's what we seem to be.

How can I say that I regret meeting you?




You're proof that love can exist regardless of superfice. It's not about money, education, appearance, or status. You stand as testament to the fact that love transcends that which is visible. I know that for a fact.

However, feelings change. I have no power over that. Fate meant for our stars to collide, but it is also fate that has decided for us to part ways. Where will you go? Will we ever meet again? Can we ever... My doubts and regrets torture me in ways unimaginable. For now, let's just keep the story short and say that you're a shooting star that hasn't found its destination yet. By chance, I met you in the vast nothingness of the galaxy and was somehow pulled by your force. But you went by and I was left drifting in space. This is my last dedication to you, A. If, somehow, you are reading this, let it be known that I'm sorry for everything.

별 (Star) - Kim Ah Joong

The wind is shaking the windows, and over my small room.

The stars fill up the sky, shining brightly—too many to count.

The stars reassure the tired me.

They wipe away the many tears that are deep inside me.

"Don’t be hurt too much," they hug me tight
and pamper me,
and comfort me,

telling me to go to sleep

Though I’m exhausted to the point where I can’t walk,

though my tears blur my vision,

I’ll still smile in front of the love that I’m not able to get.

Even though our happy times were short, I’ll treasure them deep inside my heart,

like the countless number of stars, forever.

My dream is coming. Though it is unusual that my one star is bright,

it is very bright, blinding even, it comes down to my shoulder.

"Stop being so sad," it holds my hand as it touches me

and gives me a warm hug.

Only for today, I won’t cry. Though my eyes fill with tears,

I want to laugh like those stars.

Oh~ I want to cherish all my happy moments deep inside my heart,

like the countless number of stars, forever.

I'm Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

Ever since my baby went away, it's been the blackest day.

The Blackest Day - Lana Del Rey

To move on is to admit that you're gone.

Let me bear this pain just a bit longer so that I know that I'm alive.

I'm not ready to die yet.